coming to terms with my hollow, shallow shell...pity party for me, doubting self worth

tonite i am eating ice cream sandwiched by waffles. and crossants dipped in seafood sauce (which contains no seafood). i am washing advil down with root beer. and watching reruns of conan o'brien. tracy says "you're not gonna like die or anything are you?" i avoid the question but know that i will not take 70 pills, but stop before i hit ten. when my stomach is so full that i feel uncomfortable and my head begins to throb from too much advil, i will carry my computer down the hall and slide in bed. i will sleep just as i have so many nights before and sleep most of the day away. tomorrow is my last day here and i will sleep most of the day away. i will not call mrs prior, i will not see brad or linz or baker, i have not yet seen pat. i will be up to all hours panicing because my bags are not packed. i will not go through the boxes in my room. i have a hole in my sock but it doesn't match the hole in my life. the crossants are not cooked all the way. they're delightfully chewy. tonite i went to supper at my aunt's and then watched the rest of my plans crumble around me before i had time to get an umbrella to shield myself from the debris. donald trump yells far too much, he will have a heartattack. i want to find someone who will run naked with me in the rain and then lay in a wet, sloppy mess with me in bed and make love to me and make me feel something. but it won't be because i am TRYING to feel something, i will just feel something. i want to cuddle on a couch and listen to jazz or rock or read shitty books to each other. drink wine from water glasses. i want to feel intellectually challenged, but not made to feel stupid. i want to make snowangels. i want to go to a bar and dance and not care who may see me. i want to snort coke. i want to play music for people live. i want to go to a different continent. i want to tell kevin i'm in love with him. i want someone to fall in love with me. i want to be able to pick up a phone and dial a number and get someone that cares about me on the other end of the line. i want to sleep at night and wake during the day. i want to reinvent myself. i'll be called julie and i'll be confident and kind and so fuckin rock and roll. and i will have no conditional friends. everyone i talk with will be worth talking to and not hurt me. i like to read random journals of people i don't know. it makes me feel dirty and like a voyeur. i'm intrigued by lives more exciting than my own. i like when people can make words dance on the screen and paint a vivid picture in my mind. it excites me. turns me on. it gives me connection to a world that i have no connection to, even though the connection is so artificial and the people i'm connecting with have no idea i'm connecting with them. scary.

hugs, kisses, cuddles and rock and roll to you all.